The sermon preached by Fr. Ernie on September 10, 2023

“Where two or more are gathered in my name, there I will be among them,” Jesus says in today’s reading from the Gospel of Matthew. Many of us know this quote very well. We hear it often in church. Sometime people say it when it’s time to start a service. Other times they say it when not as many people have shown up as they expected. “Well,” someone is sure to say at some point, “as Jesus says, ‘Wherever two or more are gathered in my name…’ Often they don’t even have to finish it. We all knows what comes next: Jesus will be among us.

So yes, we know the quote, but how many of us know its context? How many of us know that it appears in Matthew as part of a discussion of how to deal with conflict? As it turns out, the reason those two or more have gathered is to try to clear up some misunderstanding. They are there in order to try to resolve a quarrel. How many of us think of those as the times when Jesus is present? Would we go about the process differently if we did? Think back on some disagreement you had recently. Maybe it was with someone you love. Or maybe it was with someone you don’t know, a telemarketer, perhaps, or a bank teller who was giving you a hard time in a way that made you angry. Would it have made a difference to you to know that at that very moment Jesus was standing at your elbow, watching you?

It reminds me of something I heard as part of my seminary training. One of the things required of those of us training for ministry was something called Clinical Pastoral Education, or CPE. CPE was something everyone dreaded because it involved working as a hospital chaplain while also joining other student chaplains in a grueling group process where everything we did or said was held up for scrutiny. My CPE supervisor was a man named Fr. Grimes. He was the one who oversaw the group process. As I remember him, Fr. Grimes had the eyes of a shark. And as he looked around at each of us sitting nervously in a circle of chairs, I sometimes thought I heard the theme of “Jaws” playing somewhere in the background. “Who’s going to get it next,” I thought.

That was because this “group process” could be extremely uncomfortable. We were forced to question not only many of our motives but also many of our most cherished ideas about ourselves. It was not unusual for someone to end up in tears. Then, as all the rest of us sat in the awkward silence as we listened to the quite sobbing of the newest member of The Bruised Ego Society, Fr. Grimes would slowly gaze about the group focusing one each of us in turn, and say, “Wherever two or more are gathered in my name … there will be group process.” I think his point was that, wherever people gather, there will be struggle and misunderstanding. But when those same people can also acknowledge the presence of Jesus among them there will be growth too. There will be learning. And — ultimately — there will be love. This is Matthew’s point also.

It can be hard to believe, though. It’s hard to believe that tension and misunderstanding between people can become a source of spiritual revelation because conflict is never fun. The anger… the tears… the insults…the shouting… the hurt — that’s what conflict often involves. But does that really have to be the way it goes? I don’t think so. Matthew doesn’t seem to think so either.

One of the things I’ve learned is that, although it is probably inevitable that people will disagree from time to time, that disagreement does not have to deteriorate into conflict. Conflict is destructive disagreement, but disagreement does not have to be destructive. It can also be positive too. It can even be life-giving and creative. That’s because there’s a right way to disagree and a wrong way. We just have to learn how to do disagreement right so that it does not end in conflict. 

In today’s Gospel, Matthew quotes Jesus as giving some suggestions for how to deal with misunderstandings. The trouble is, the advice isn’t very good. That’s because Jesus didn’t actually say this. Scholars are quite certain that this was a text added later by those who put words into Jesus mouth that he never uttered. The scholars know this is true because the passage has Jesus referring to “the church” even though there was no such thing as a “church” in Jesus lifetime, nor did Jesus have any interest in forming one. Don’t forget, Matthew was written about 50 years after Jesus’ crucifixion. By then a small church had started to form and certain practices had evolved that leaders at the time thought consistent with Jesus’ teaching and so included in the text. This is one of those later teachings. The trouble is, these added directions are not actually consistent with Jesus’ teaching at all. For example, the passage quotes Jesus as saying that anyone who “refuses to listen to the church” should be treated as a Gentile or a tax collector. The implication was that they should be shunned. And yet Jesus never actually shunned anybody. Just the opposite.  In fact, how did Jesus really treat tax collectors? He invited himself for dinner at their house. Is that what we are to do with people we just can’t agree with? Invite ourselves over for dinner?…Well, maybe so. It might actually work. You could must keep showing up at their house at dinner time until they gave in. That’s not what the passage is saying, though.

No, there’s a better way to resolve conflict. The answer can be given in one word: listen. Yes, listen. Listen to the person you disagree with. Really listen to them. The thing is, this can be very hard to do, particularly if you do not feel that the person is listening to you. Often a third person is required to help both sides listen to each other properly. I’ve actually gone through training for this, training to be such a third person, training in Christian mediation, and I’m available to help with this any time you want it. You don’t have to have a mediator, though. Even though it’s difficult, this is also something that two people can do by themselves if they’re really serious about it. It just involves agreeing to follow a few basic steps:

First, and foremost, remember that Jesus is watching.

Second, you must both agree to listen closely to each other, which also means that when one person is speaking the other never interrupts.

Third, you must also agree to take turns. One person starts by stating as fully as possible what they see the problem is and how this makes them feel. That last is very important.

Fourth, as long as the first person is speaking the other listens careful, then when the first person is done the second person summarizes what the first person said as accurately as they can. This too is vital. It proves to the first person that they really have been heard.

Finally, then reverse roles. The second person speaks and the first person listens and summarizes. This continues until both agree. 

So, five steps: (1) Remember that Jesus is there among you. (2) Listen without interrupting. (3) Summarize what you heard. (4) Change places. (5) Repeat until resolved. That’s it. As the saying goes, it’s simple but not easy. Resolving disagreements is never easy, but this is the only process I have ever found that allows that this to happen without deteriorating into painful conflict. You just have to follow the rules. That’s all. And never forget: where two or more are gathered therewillbe disagreements, but if they gather in his name, Jesus will be there too. AMEN.

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